As the bus swung hard to the right, I thought to myself, how do i get myself into these types of situations? Holding onto something for so long and then running away from it... later on in life running into something, someone so amazing and then having the past come back and getting wrapped up in it.
I want to explore these avenues, but am completely afraid of someone getting hurt during the process...
The bus swung to the left. My Ipod signifies it's ejection from my pocket by the tugging of my ears by my headphones...You want me?
Well come on and break the door down
You want me?
Fucking come on and break the door down
I'm ready
The black man who frequently rides the bus and writes his observations down in a little leather bound notebook began scribbling frantically. Was he writing about my ipod? Was he writing about the silly white girl with a chef's jacket on? Was he writing about me being the white devil? Because that's the white man, not the white woman. And technically, I'm not white.
I wasn't too concerned only curious. I leaned forward and put crossed my arms on the seat ahead of me, one on top of the other. I placed the left side of my face on top of my arm and watched the drizzling rain make rivlets on the window...
What could it possibly hurt, I thought. I'll be here alone for many months. Why can't I explore something new, but definitely familiar. Familiar because I know, unfamiliar because people change. Nothing kills me like this. Because no matter which way I choose, I lose. Big.
The bus came to a halt and jolted me to the action around me. I was back in this world. The bus driver stepped off the bus at the university. He lit a cigarette.
I stepped off the bus and walked over to him. I said nothing to him.
"Did you know this place used to be nothing but trees?"
I thought, everything at one point used to be something of nature.
I had no idea what had just come over me and I continued to stare blankly at him as he went on about his nephew going to college at bladda bladda... I couldn't listen to him anymore. I snuffed my cigarette out on the iron rung trash can. The embers touched my fingers, but I had no idea until I had boarded the bus.
However far away...whatever words I say...
I sat in the same position as I had when I got off the bus. Face resting on arms, I felt the tears jump to my eyes. This happens often enough because I don't cry. Although I do not see this as fitting for other people, but I was always taught that crying was a sign of weakness. If I see another person crying, my immediate reaction, if I know them, is to hold them. My immediate reaction to crying is "Shut up. You're being stupid and no one cares about you or your problems. Dry up because crying isn't going to help..."
I bit my lip and pulled the tears back into my eyes by squeezing them tight. The black man's pen went on scribbling.
Through this world I’ve stumbled
So many times betrayed
Trying to find an honest word
To find the truth enslaved
The bus jerked away from the curb. The bus driver, the black man and I rode in silence. The lonely bus soon became packed with people except around me. Was a putting off a vibe? Did I stink? Not that I actually wanted people close to me. I smelled my person. I smelled pretty good considering I had to work all morning in the kitchen.
The people on the bus kept catching my eye, but were afraid to look at me. I pulled my pocket mirror out of my sling shoulder bag. There was nothing wrong with my face. Nothing wrong with my smell. Nothing wrong with my clothing. I bet this is what Marla Singer from Fight Club must have felt like before they all stood and took her away.
Something was happening to me. Something I wasn't aware of but something we all sensed. Every time I caught an eye, I threw one back. Taking a look is one thing, staring is another. Everyone on the bus was looking at me. I turned my head to see what everyone was looking at. There was nothing. I pulled my earphone from my ear and asked the guy sitting across the way what everyone was looking at. He continued to look at me and he said, "you're... I dunno what. I can't describe it." I looked around the bus. The neutral faces turned to smiles when I looked upon them. Was there something the matter with me, I asked the man. "Absolutely not."
The shorter story
No love
No glory
No hero in her sky
The bus slams onto the Texas Street bridge. Everyone was jolted back to reality. They resumed the normal fidgeting of a bus passenger. Cell phone checks. Watch checks. Picking at their nails. Then, the rain came. In a torrent of buckets it fell from the sky.
Great, I was going to have to walk home in this. I couldn't even see my stop ahead the water fell so hard. I saw the autoplex and knew it was after that. I pulled the cord. As the bus pulled to a stop the people shifted forward. I stood up. They all turned to look at me. I smiled a sheepish grin as I pushed the bus doors away from my chest and stepped out of the bus.
The cold water fell down all around me. In two seconds flat, I was soaked. I started to run and halfway through my sprint i stopped. It felt good. It washed all the eyes off my body, all the looks and the stares. It washed all the evil thoughts my brain was having for the time being.
The cold water found its way into my shirt and went down my spine. Water was splashed into my eyes and blinded me. I could have died then and realized my life, in that moment, with the water splashing all around me, was perfect. My life was perfect!
This is happiness, I thought.
The strands of hair that stay put when dry formed small rivers at the edges of my face. Water dripped from my nose as I reached the awning. I looked up the stairs.
As soon as I reach there, this feeling will be gone.
And I knew this. I knew it to be true. I stood in the pouring rain, contemplating staying in it. Then I thought of my book in my bag. It'll definitely be Watership Down if I don't get it inside. I climbed the stairs to the door and slid my key into the lock. Turn.
The arctic air hit my face like a million tiny needles. My euphoria was gone, only to be replaced with apathy. I slid off my shoes and peeled my socks from my feet. I ran quickly to the bathroom to remove my now freezing clothes.
Goosebumps ravaged my body as I reached for a towel for my hair. After a change of clothes and a meeting with the hairbrush. I went to the fridge.
The beer didn't taste as good as I remembered. Probably because it was Coors Light instead of a Blue Moon. I sat on the front porch and watched my aquatic euphoria die down to a mist.
It was Happiness.
